I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
