peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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