College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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