Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
