Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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