I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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