The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
