theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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