the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
