just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
