Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
