it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
