Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
