Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
