The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
