he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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