I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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