im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
