hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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