I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
