The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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