the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
