Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
