I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
