my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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