so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
