Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
In America we eat man semen.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
