I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
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