no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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