just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
