Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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