I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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