I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
