I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
