I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
it's like iHOP with fire
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I still have a little drunk in my system
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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