Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
this boner is exhausting
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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