so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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