So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
