i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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