Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
