how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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