u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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