I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Randomize
