you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
