Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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