I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
