I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
