All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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