After last night, I could never be a politician.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
