Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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