OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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