i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
