I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
