My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
